Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
