True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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