If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
