she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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