What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
