You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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