Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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