Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
