we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
