Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
