If that was your dad, he is hot
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
