Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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