But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
