I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
