He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
