That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed