tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
