So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
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He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
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Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.