My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich