Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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