p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
