hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize