Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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