note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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