I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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