That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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