Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
