According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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