the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
