Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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