we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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