that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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