Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
