Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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