the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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