I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We had sex on a dog bed..
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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