Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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