just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
