I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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