I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
