I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
worst night to have a conscience
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
