My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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