please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
