i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
