Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
