im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
