We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize