Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
