On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
