From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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