can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
