saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
