You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
