Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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