Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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