Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Randomize
