im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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