dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
