She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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