I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
