oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
