I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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