just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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