two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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